(This entry/post was written in August 2012 but I was not training so did not post it. I figured it was part of the journey so I am posting it now.)
It has been more than four months since I finished the Boston Marathon and when I posted my last blog update. I began writing last December about my running and my experience as a member of the Dana Farber Marathon Team at the recommendation of those who had trained and fundraised before. I was told it would be a great way to share my journey with family, friends, and supporters. As someone who tends to draw wisdom from experience, I took the advice and started to blog documenting my experiences and the evolution of my body, mind and spirit as I logged many miles. I shared this with anyone who found it interesting. Running for me is something that brings clarity to chaos, adds color to the canvas of my life, and replaces complexity with a creative energy as my mind travels as I log many miles. I guess I never anticipated that stopping this activity of running and documenting the journey would create a sort of empty space. Blogging had become more than sharing my journey, it also become a place to anchor my thinking.
So here I am in this in-between space. The marathon has become a memory and part of the past. After having such a great experience and having raised over $15,000, I have to say that while I thought I would only run one more marathon (Boston 2012), shortly after my aches subsided, I found myself contemplating the idea of running with Dana Farber again. After all, how could I not give 18 weeks of training to help support an effort aimed at a world without cancer. It is the now almost the end of the summer which is a time of reflection and goal setting for those of us who work in education or for anyone who believes the New Year begins on an academic calendar. I am really not sure what this next year brings for me in terms of running. I do know I am scheduled to run in the Reach the Beach Relay in 3 weeks. However, I have not logged many miles. I have spent almost three months dealing with Iliotibial Band Syndrome.
For those who are not runners and are not familiar with ITBS, for me, it presented first as outer knee pain following Boston’s Run to Remember Half Marathon. I finished the race, but really struggled because of the pain. For those of you that run, you may know this is very frustrating. It takes time and patience and I have been very good at doing all the things that help it heal. I went to an Orthopedic Sports Doctor, I have stretched, I have gone for physical therapy, I foam roll, I balance running with using the cybex arc trainer, I cut back on miles, I do exercises to strengthen my hips, I had a cortisone shot, I went for more physical therapy, I have had body work massages and I bought new sneakers. I promised myself I would not complain about this. After all, I spent a good 18 weeks training and running for Dana Farber and I learned of so many people that deal with so much more. So with this perspective, I am not complaining and I am searching for lessons about balance to extract from this experience.
Learning Balance in Healing
As someone who likes to push capacity this is quite challenging. I asked my doctor, “How much is too much?” I figured that if he could tell me this, I would stay within the boundaries of his guidance. His answer was simple, “you will know you have done too much because it will hurt.” In the moment, this did not appear helpful. I had read all the articles I could find and this was just repeating what I had already found on my own. I am not quite sure why I expected that he would have a magic answer but yet I still hoped that he would tell me to run a certain mileage and I would be fine. The truth is we are all different and our bodies respond differently. It was here that I entered a real experiment in listening to my body which is somewhat foreign to those of us who spend most of our time ignoring it. After all, I am not sure that there are many days that something doesn’t hurt a little bit.
This is actually one of the greatest lessons I have learned from running. I do not expect to feel great when I run. During most runs I encounter fatigue, doubt, burning muscles, labored breathing, and a variety of other issues that surface on any given run. Removing the expectation that a run will be problem and pain free actually allows me to experience each run for what it is. If I expect fatigue, doubt, labored breathing and burning muscles to show up then I am not surprised by their presence although I am appreciative on the days they stay away. On the days when they do arrive, I try not to waste time being annoyed by their presence and instead see them as the challenge of the day which is all part of making me stronger. Usually if I can convince myself that my stronger self is more powerful than my weaker self, fatigue turns to faith, doubt turns to determination, and labored breathing and burning muscles turns to a “bring it on attitude.”
My training has become a lot more complicated these days. Each week is a balancing act trying to push my capacity so I can build my miles once again while exercising patience in listening to my body. The doctor was right. When I have done too much, I find my stride is slowed to a walk because my knee (IT band) has had enough. This has made me think a lot about boundaries. It amazes me how ideas cultivate. I will get back to my thinking on boundaries at another time. Perhaps I found boundaries intriguing because I run in places where stone walls and broken fences create boundaries for open meadows and where sea grass and sand dunes form a border that are shaped and reshaped by the sea. None of these are permanent boundaries but help to define and shape space. As I enter this New Year, I am not sure what my goals for running will be. My mind is ready for anything, but will my body be ready for another marathon? I do not know. However, I can say for sure that I am going to keep putting one foot in front of the other and will remain open to all the lessons that this challenge and these in-between spaces have in store for me. Stay tuned...
Always in gratitude,
Kerry D
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