Why I am Running the Boston Marathon on April 15, 2013 as a member of the Dana Farber Marathon Challenge Team: My Call to Action

"Be the change you wish to see." It is not just a sign on my bookshelf, for me it is a call to action. The decision to apply to run again with the Dana Farber Marathon Challenge Team was not a decision I made quickly or taken lightly. In fact, it was one with which I have wrestled for almost three months. If you are reading this and you know me well, then you know I spent the last 5 months or so struggling with Iliotibial Band Syndrome which greatly impacted my ability to run. I try not to complain too much because while it is very frustrating, we all know that there are a lot worse things with which one could be faced. I am happy to say that I believe I am now on the other side of it. I was able to participate in the Reach the Beach Relay in September which is a 200 mile team relay run from Cannon Mountain to Hampton Beach and then just a few weeks ago I completed the Newburyport Green Stride Half Marathon. I did not feel great at either event, although I made it through without too much difficulty. 

This brings me back to the sign on my bookshelf, “Be the change you wish to see.” It was a gift from a student I had several years back. One day as her graduation was approaching she stopped by my office with the gift. She said that she saw it in a store and immediately thought of me. For anyone that works in education, you know how precious these moments are. In  that very moment I was honored to know that many of our class discussions about the importance of being an agent of change resonated with her and even more so that she saw me as an agent of change. That alone is a call to continued action. Little does this student know that as much as I appreciated the gift and her thoughtfulness, I am more thankful that her gift has become a visual cue that reminds me within each day holds the opportunity to make a difference. I learn so much more from students than I could ever hope they would learn from me.

When I applied to run the Boston Marathon as a member of the Dana Farber Marathon Challenge Team in 2012, I really thought it would be a one time thing. At the time, I so wanted to do something to honor the memory of my dear friend Matt’s nephew Josh. I could not imagine the enormity of the pain Matt and his family was experiencing. When I realized that the marathon in 2012 would fall on the 2^nd anniversary of Josh’s passing, I felt as if it was something that I not only wanted to do, but that I was supposed to do. I am not sure if that makes any sense so I will just say it was a sort of gravitational pull of my conscience to participate even though at the time I applied, I had very little confidence that I could run 26.2 miles, never-mind raise the $4,000 minimum required.  Yet, the gravitational force that was pulling me to do it, seemed stronger than my own doubt. I guess it is here I experienced the essence of faith. I took the leap. I finished the marathon and with your help, we raised over $15,000 in the process to support cancer research.  

A year later and with many miles logged and lessons learned; I am so aware that for many the pain still lingers. It does not go away. The work towards Dana Farber’s ultimate goal-a world without cancer, still needs people to be the change they wish to see. While great progress continues to be made and our collective team raised over 4 million dollars last year, there is still so much to be done. I do not have to go far for these reminders. At work I eat lunch everyday with 4 women, all of whom have an immediate family member that had or has cancer. Two lost their sister at a young age to cancer. If I just step out of my office and walk through the main office I work in or to other areas of campus, I have many colleagues who have batted cancer, and others who have lost children, a spouse or family member to this dreadful disease. All of these reminders are in front of me everyday. We do not always talk about it. Often we just go about our day. However, this does not mean I am not aware of the close proximity of cancer to so many of us. In the time since I ran the marathon, a faculty member who was on a committee I am co-chairing was diagnosed and lost his battle with cancer and he is one of many. For those who are battling cancer, the fight does not end. For those who have lost a love one to cancer, the grieving does not end.

When I think about cancer, I am reminded of a brief conversation that I had with faculty member who had supported my run last year. I did not know him all that well, however when he learned I was running he sent a check to me in an envelope with a small note that read, “Good luck and thank you. I am a customer of Dana Farber and know first hand the work they do.” After the marathon I saw him and thanked him again, and in our conversation he explained that he has come to see that there are two categories of people, those who have cancer or have been impacted by it and those who just haven’t had it yet. His words were echoed later in a post on facebook of a dear friend who lost her son to cancer that read something like “before I was a cancer mom, I was a mom of three healthy boys.” While it is sometimes overwhelming to really see the realities of cancer all around us, it is something that we must do. We all want for a world without cancer and many of us feel powerless in this effort. My experience running with the Dana Farber Marathon Challenge team last year made me feel like I was doing what I could to support such an important effort. It was answering the “call to action” that sits on my bookshelf. I was “being the change that I wished to see,” at least in my small way.

For over three months I have wrestled with the decision of whether I would be able to run a marathon given all the challenges I faced with my IT band. I felt my body was weak and I really did not think I was up for the challenge. After successfully completing the Green Stride Half Marathon two weeks ago, even thought it was my slowest half marathon to date, I found my strong. I realized my body was not where it was a year ago but if I really worked at it and patiently and persistently logged the miles one by one, I could once again be a contributing member of the Dana Farber Marathon Challenge Team. In this moment, I heard a call to action. Below is a picture as I finished the Green Stride Half Marathon.

 It was in finding my strong that I also recognized that in spite of my injury, I was so very privileged. You see, I could choose to not apply and to not participate in the Dana Farber Marathon Challenge. Having the choice to not to take on the fight with cancer is truly a luxury and one many who deal with it on a daily basis would welcome. I could convince myself that there are other ways that I could “be the change I wish to see” and I would be dishonest if I didn’t admit to having many of these conversations with myself. However it is here I felt the gravitational pull of my conscience again. I do not have to face chemo treatments or take a loved one to chemo treatments. I get to take my nieces and nephew trick or treating and experience the joy of their excitement and wonder. I do not have to measure my life by three month check-up appointments. I get to have Thanksgiving Dinner without an empty seat at the table because of cancer. I am able to run and as difficult as fundraising can be, I can do my best.

So, yes I have applied and am officially accepted as a member of the Dana Farber Marathon Challenge 2013 Team. It is in honor of the many people around me who have dealt with cancer, who are dealing with cancer or who will learn they have to deal with cancer that I have decided to lace up my sneakers and give it another shot. It is also with deep gratitude and in recognition of the many privileges that I experience everyday that I will be logging over 500 training miles in my journey to the Boston Marathon on April 15, 2013. I hope you will join me and ‘be the change you wish to see.” Last year we were an incredible collective force supporting Dana Farber’s ultimate goal- a world without cancer. Let’s gear up. Game on!

With Gratitude,

Kerry D

August 2012- Experiencing In-Between Spaces

(This entry/post was written in August 2012 but I was not training so did not post it. I figured it was part of the journey so I am posting it now.)

It has been more than four months since I finished the Boston Marathon and when I posted my last blog update. I began writing last December about my running and my experience as a member of the Dana Farber Marathon Team at the recommendation of those who had trained and fundraised before. I was told it would be a great way to share my journey with family, friends, and supporters. As someone who tends to draw wisdom from experience, I took the advice and started to blog documenting my experiences and the evolution of my body, mind and spirit as I logged many miles. I shared this with anyone who found it interesting. Running for me is something that brings clarity to chaos, adds color to the canvas of my life, and replaces complexity with a creative energy as my mind travels as I log many miles. I guess I never anticipated that stopping this activity of running and documenting the journey would create a sort of empty space. Blogging had become more than sharing my journey, it also become a place to anchor my thinking.

So here I am in this in-between space. The marathon has become a memory and part of the past. After having such a great experience and having raised over $15,000, I have to say that while I thought I would only run one more marathon (Boston 2012), shortly after my aches subsided, I found myself contemplating the idea of running with Dana Farber again. After all, how could I not give 18 weeks of training to help support an effort aimed at a world without cancer.  It is the now almost the end of the summer which is a time of reflection and goal setting for those of us who work in education or for anyone who believes the New Year begins on an academic calendar. I am really not sure what this next year brings for me in terms of running. I do know I am scheduled to run in the Reach the Beach Relay in 3 weeks. However, I have not logged many miles. I have spent almost three months dealing with Iliotibial Band Syndrome.

For those who are not runners and are not familiar with ITBS, for me, it presented first as outer knee pain following Boston’s Run to Remember Half Marathon. I finished the race, but really struggled because of the pain. For those of you that run, you may know this is very frustrating. It takes time and patience and I have been very good at doing all the things that help it heal. I went to an Orthopedic Sports Doctor, I have stretched, I have gone for physical therapy, I foam roll, I balance running with using the cybex arc trainer, I cut back on miles, I do exercises to strengthen my hips, I had a cortisone shot, I went for more physical therapy, I have had body work massages and I bought new sneakers. I promised myself I would not complain about this. After all, I spent a good 18 weeks training and running for Dana Farber and I learned of so many people that deal with so much more. So with this perspective, I am not complaining and I am searching for lessons about balance to extract from this experience.

Learning Balance in Healing

As someone who likes to push capacity this is quite challenging. I asked my doctor, “How much is too much?” I figured that if he could tell me this, I would stay within the boundaries of his guidance. His answer was simple, “you will know you have done too much because it will hurt.” In the moment, this did not appear helpful. I had read all the articles I could find and this was just repeating what I had already found on my own. I am not quite sure why I expected that he would have a magic answer but yet I still hoped that he would tell me to run a certain mileage and I would be fine. The truth is we are all different and our bodies respond differently.  It was here that I entered a real experiment in listening to my body which is somewhat foreign to those of us who spend most of our time ignoring it. After all, I am not sure that there are many days that something doesn’t hurt a little bit.

This is actually one of the greatest lessons I have learned from running. I do not expect to feel great when I run. During most runs I encounter fatigue, doubt, burning muscles, labored breathing, and a variety of other issues that surface on any given run. Removing the expectation that a run will be problem and pain free actually allows me to experience each run for what it is. If I expect fatigue, doubt, labored breathing and burning muscles to show up then I am not surprised by their presence although I am appreciative on the days they stay away. On the days when they do arrive, I try not to waste time being annoyed by their presence and instead see them as the challenge of the day which is all part of making me stronger. Usually if I can convince myself that my stronger self is more powerful than my weaker self, fatigue turns to faith, doubt turns to determination, and labored breathing and burning muscles turns to a “bring it on attitude.” 

My training has become a lot more complicated these days. Each week is a balancing act trying to push my capacity so I can build my miles once again while exercising patience in listening to my body. The doctor was right. When I have done too much, I find my stride is slowed to a walk because my knee (IT band) has had enough. This has made me think a lot about boundaries. It amazes me how ideas cultivate. I will get back to my thinking on boundaries at another time. Perhaps I found boundaries intriguing because I run in places where stone walls and broken fences create boundaries for open meadows and where sea grass and sand dunes form a border that are shaped and reshaped by the sea. None of these are permanent boundaries but help to define and shape space.  As I enter this New Year, I am not sure what my goals for running will be. My mind is ready for anything, but will my body be ready for another marathon? I do not know. However, I can say for sure that I am going to keep putting one foot in front of the other and will remain open to all the lessons that this challenge and these in-between spaces have in store for me. Stay tuned...

Always in gratitude,

Kerry D