Week 7: Learning to Get out of My Own Way

As I sit down to reflect on this past week, I cannot believe that I have completed my seventh week of our 18 week marathon training. Time goes by so quickly. I feel like I am aware of this on a daily basis, yet when I stop to reflect I am amazed of all that happens within the context of a particular week. This was in no way an ordinary week for me and I did not get all my miles in.  If you read my blog post last week you know that I tackled the Derry NH, Boston Prep 16 miler last Sunday. Monday I was blessed with the birth of my nephew Jack. Monday was also the opening day of the spring semester at UMass Lowell which means we work long and hectic days all week. I was not feeling that great. Wednesday I had a root canal. So needless to say, my week was packed with excitement, blessings, and the challenge of having time to do all I needed and wanted to do.

Fundraising Update

I always like to start of my weekly reflections with gratitude to all of you who have so generously contributed to Dana Farber and the Marathon Challenge. It is this greater sense of purpose fueled by our collective consciousness and commitment that we can and we are making a difference that helps push me when I feel like I cannot take another step. As of today we have raised $8,725 to support cancer research. This is $225 more than we had last week. So I would like to express thanks to those of you who have joined our efforts. Each and ever bit helps. I like to think of us as a growing force asserting our strength standing strong in the face of cancer and shouting an emphatic “no more!”

I am someone who often thinks in metaphor. I will ask you to think with me about the power of our collective force and commitment with this as an example. As we look forward to the Super Bowl, I will use football as my metaphor. Imagine yourself in a crowded football stadium. You are shouting as loud as you can for your team. For those of us that are Patriots fans, imagine you are individually screaming “Go Pats!” In a sea of screaming voices, your individual voice may be hard to discern. Expanding this metaphor to life, this is why sometimes I think that we tell ourselves that our voice may not matter. We see our individual scream as a silent whisper. Or perhaps we convince ourselves that as one individual we cannot make a difference. Now, I would like you to imagine that as you shout “go Pats” other fans around you join in. As those sitting close to you join in, so do others sitting around your growing group. Before you know it, the entire section is screaming “Go Pats!” One section becomes two and then suddenly there is this powerful collective voice that echoes throughout the entire stadium, “”Go Pats!” In this same way, we become a collective financial force supporting cancer research. It is $5 from one person, $25 from another, $50 from another, and so grows our effort. Our voice becomes louder and louder. I thank you for helping to create a resounding roar, “cancer no more!”

Getting Out of My Own Way

Small steps, deep breaths and forget the rest. These are words I repeated in my head as I tackled some of the hills in Derry, NH last weekend. I am sure if you read my post last week, it is no surprise to read that I am glad that the Derry Boston Prep 16 Miler is behind me. I am pleased to report that the race went well. It was an incredibly difficult course. To be honest, it was probably the most difficult course I have ever run. It was an extremely cold New England January day. When the race began the temperature was in the single digits. When I got out of my car the temperature read 7 degrees. Of course, I could not complain, because my Dana Farber teammates had run the day before in the cold and in the middle of storm. I was glad to have met up Megan and Heather, who are two of my teammates who were also running the race. It really helped to ease the pre-race nerves. Heather and I actually ended up running together. It was great to have company on such a challenging course. Below is a picture of Heather, Megan and me.

The course traveled through winding and hilly picturesque roads of Derry that were covered with the newly fallen snow from the day before. When I was able to distract my mind from the slushy and icy pavement on which my feet carefully stepped in stride, I felt as if I were running through a Robert Frost poem in the same way that Mary Poppins was able to jump into a sidewalk painting. As I ran, I thought about the “Mending Wall” and “The Road not Taken” but mostly I kept thinking about how we often are the biggest obstacle to our own achievements. Honestly, I was afraid of this race and the hills. Once the race started, I really worked hard not to think about it. After all I was doing it. The hills and the course would be challenging enough. As we hit each hill, I realized that while the hill may rise before us, within us is this incredible force to face it, if we just get out of our own way. It is responding to the voice that screams “I do not think I have it in me to get up this hill” with, “I am stronger than I think I am.” One step, deep breaths, and forget the rest.” It also helps me to think of little Josh, for whom I am running and others I know who have or are struggling with cancer. They do not have the choice to not face the hill in front of them.

So this week my journey has taught me to get out of my own way. This is not easy to do, because we must first recognize the many ways we get in our own way. For me, it was recognizing that fear can paralyze my progress but only if I let it. It was also recognizing that I must work at pushing the capacity of what I think I can do because I am often the one standing in my own way. An example of this has been with my pace. I have always been a slow and steady runner. Some of this is because I have asthma and find it more comfortable to find a pace and stay with it. It was not until this past summer that finally ran a 5K under a 9 minute mile pace. In my head, I thought that I was simply a 9:30 minute miler and that was just fine with me. I worked this fall and tried to run under 2 hours for a half marathon. However, I always hovered a minute or so beyond the 2 hours.

The past few weeks this has changed. On our team runs I have run 12 miles and now 14 miles at a pace that is just under 9 minutes per mile. While I do believe that my conditioning has improved, I think the greatest change is that I started believing that I was capable of running under 9 minute miles. At first I looked at my watch and thought “oh no, I better slow down” and now I simply think “so what, I am running a little faster, I feel fine. I can do it. Keep at it.” I will add a disclaimer. I am not someone who is that concerned with pace. I really don’t care if I run a 10 minute mile or an 8:50 min/mile. It is how I feel that matters. I just have become very aware over these last few weeks that it is really important to first believe I can and to define my capacity as something that should be stretched, not static.

Pushing Capacity and Getting through the Wall

Yesterday on our group run we had a conversation that really exemplifies the idea of “getting out of my own way.”  I think there were four of us running together when someone asked, “have you ever just bailed out on a race or hit the wall?” In this group was someone who has run 18 or more marathons and two of us had run at least one marathon. All of us have run a number of distances. It was interesting that without hesitation we all answered with a resounding “YES!” It was also interesting that as we shared stories, it did not have to be a marathon to experience hitting the wall. We had all been there. However, from our own different experiences we all had learned a similar lesson and that is sometimes when you hit the wall  you experience your greatest strength. How is that for the power of paradox?

Distance running and running in general has taught each of us that there is a beyond the wall and even though there may be a point in a race or a run that we feel like we cannot go any further, our mind or “mental toughness” can help get us through the wall. It requires a sort of courage to work beyond feeling miserable and focusing on the possibility of feeling better on the other side. As I listened to my teammate’s stories, I was reminded that when faced with “our wall” whatever that may be, in running or in life we must first get out of our own way. We must recognize our doubt and fear but then be willing to suspend it and open ourselves to the idea that while we may feel like we hit the wall, sometimes we are our own wall.

I love these conversations when running because they serve as a reminder that the mind is a powerful force in anything that we do. This is not to minimize that sometimes the wall is physical. We must always listen to our bodies and make wise decisions about our health and safety when running or in life. This week, I have just become more aware of the many ways we can become our own obstacle and how complex the mind body relationship can be. So I will end there, with gratitude for all the support from my family, friends, and coworkers and for my teammates shared wisdom and experience. Collectively we are a powerful and growing force with many miles to go!

With Gratitude,

Kerry D

Week 6: Perspective is Everything: Choose Your Lens

It is amazing how each week of this journey seems to present me with some pretty important life lessons and they come in such a variety of ways. However, before I get to this weeks thinking and in the spirit of being consistent, I would like to start with gratitude for all the support that I have received. As of today I have raised $8,500 and I was recognized at today’s team run for reaching the 8K milestone. This is very exciting and is such a reminder that I am only one but I am fueled by an army of supporters so thank you for all your support! We still have a distance to go, but our progress is consistent and strong!

My thinking this week all focused around the race that I will be running tomorrow. It is the Derry, NH Boston Prep 16 Miller. I signed up for it early on because I was told it was a great way to prepare for the marathon. I am also someone who works well with a combination of short term and long term goals so thought it was a great idea. Well, then a few weeks after signing up I was talking to a friend who runs very competitively and also happens to live in Derry, NH. I happened to mention that I signed up for this race and her response was, “Oh really, that is a very difficult course.” I paused a moment and said, “Well I am trouble if you think it is difficult.” So needless to say that over the last weeks this preparation race was becoming this major challenge in front of me. Quite honestly, I was scared of the hills. I will include a snap shot below of the course so you can appreciate my fear. Did I mention this is a 16 mile race?

I like to consider myself a pretty mentally tough person and one who has a healthy relationship with fear. In fact, I often repeat the words of Eleanor Roosevelt “We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.” So yes, I have been looking at this picture a lot this week and saying “hello, moderately challenging 16 mile hilly course. I am looking you in the face and will come at you one step at a time this Sunday.” Fear is not something that stops me in my tracks when it is connected to a goal. It is something that calls to me like an invitation awaiting an answer, looming patiently and present in my every moment.

It is no surprise that with this race’s pending challenge coupled with fear’s invitation, my mind was working on overtime to prepare me for something that I knew I WOULD do, but was not completely sure HOW I WOULD do with it. My thinking kept bringing me to my core belief that so much in life can be influenced by our perspective and the lens through which we choose to see things. This is probably no surprise to anyone reading this who knows me. I have been called a “snow globe” or “positive Patty.” However, there are several quick stories that I will share that helped bring this belief alive for me this week in the context of my day-to-day life. Not all these stories happened this week, but collectively they have shaped my outlook and helped me to re-frame my nervousness about the challenge that awaits me.

One Step at a Time

“One step at a time,” is something I always say. It is always easier to break larger things into small attainable steps. I do this in my personal and professional life, and I most definitely do this in running. When the miles seem too many, I try to think I am not running 16 miles, I am running five 5K races. This makes it more manageable. Or perhaps I am running one mile at a time, or as one song plays on my IPod. When the small step is attained I simply do it again.

Several years ago, a woman came into my office. I work at a University and this woman was the mom of a student who was having difficulty. To be honest, I do not remember the entire story of why she was in my office, but I remember the story she told me that day because it has stayed with me and given me the perspective I need on many days. She told me the story of when she was raising her children and they always wanted to do everything so fast. They would get disappointed when they could not do something on their first try. In an effort to help them see that some things take time, she would walk them to the bottom of the stair case in their house. Standing by there side, she would ask them to jump to the top stair. She explained that they would then look at her as if she were crazy. They would respond, “Mommy, I cannot jump to the top step, it is too far.” Then she would say, “Ok, do you think you can jump up to the next step?” The kids would say, “Yes” and jump up onto the next stair. She would continue with this until they reached the top. When they got to the top, she would explain to them “When you are at the bottom looking up, it may seem impossible. However, if you take one step at a time, before you know it you are at the top.”

I loved this story and from the first telling, I knew it would be a keeper for me. However, what made the story more powerful is that when the mom retold the story to me, her son was now a young adult. The mom had shared that when she was having a difficult time with things in her life, her son returned the lesson and walked her to the bottom of the stairs and said, “mom, let’s just jump one step at a time.” So, while I do not remember this woman’s name, I am reminded of the power of story because her story has resurfaced in my memory this week as I look at what appears to be a lot of stairs in front of me. I am going to take them one at a time.

“It is not Fear, but Excitement”

This is my second story and it is really a short one. I was at an Open House for work and I happened to be taking to a woman who has spent the last year or so running quite a bit. We often talk about the spiritual side of running. She really got into running after losing her husband who was a runner. In many ways, I believe running has been a way for her to connect with her soul mate who no longer resides here with us on earth. This is one amazing woman and she teaches me a lot about perspective. She is someone who embodies Eleanor Roosevelt words of looking fear in the face. Or the words of her husband, partner and soul mate, “just don’t stop.”

I was telling her about the race I had this weekend and that I would be glad when it was over because I had heard it was a really tough course and that I was afraid. She very quickly told me that maybe I was just excited. She shared that before races she always gets nervous and that instead of letting the nervousness take over, she simply tells herself that she is excited. So, I thanked her for reminding me that it is all perspective. I am afraid of the hills on Sunday, but I am going to reframe it as I am simply excited about the hills. When I run tomorrow, I will certainly be thinking of this friend of mine and her words of wisdom! Thank you, you know who you are.

“I like to think I manufacture my own energy”

Last summer a gentleman approached me at the end of spin class. He was an older gentleman who appeared to be in his late 80’s or early 90’s. However, I must admit, I never asked him his age. At the gym we were just two athletes so for me, it never seemed important to ask. At the end of class he came up to me and said “you look like you might play tennis. Would you like to play with me some time?” I had not played in years but I said, “Sure.” After playing a few times, we began to play 3 times per week at 6am. His spirit and energy was contagious. He had such an amazing outlook on life. He would spin, play tennis with whoever was around to play, and then he would lift weights. He was someone that seemed to have more energy than most.

One day when we were playing tennis after a spin class, I asked him, “Where do you get your energy?” He did not have to think about it. He smiled and responded “Well Kerry, I like to think I manufacture it.” I was so taken by this one sentence. Most of us think of energy as something we have or we don’t have on any particular day. However, this amazing man who seems to always have so much of it looks at it differently. He sees himself as the manufacturer of his own energy. So, tomorrow when the hills seem bigger than I am, I am going to repeat his words “I like to think I manufacture my own energy.” I will envision myself getting stronger with each step, not more tired. I will also see each sip of water as a refueling and also a method to manufacture more energy.

“You cannot decide that you don’t have cancer because the weather is bad.”

My last short story of the day will revolve around the idea that sometimes we have to just do what is in front of us, regardless of the conditions. Today, I did not participate in the Dana Farber Team run as a runner. Today I was a volunteer. I have the race tomorrow and while it may have been a good idea to just rest, but I wanted to take the opportunity to volunteer for the team. I am a firm believer that all members of a team play an important role and I am very appreciative of those who stand outside in all sorts of weather to support us. So I wanted to do my part, even if it was going to be 17 degrees and snowing out. So today, I was assigned to water/Gatorade stop 3 which was at mile 8. I worked with a wonderful volunteer named Patrick and really enjoyed getting to know him and his story. I look forward to many more team runs and am glad to have made another friend.

All the runners I saw today gave me great perspective. They were all out there running in what at times appeared to be blizzard like conditions. Snow was falling swiftly and the roads had yet to be plowed. Each step they took was challenging. Yet, as each arrived at the water stop they had smiles on their frozen faces. They were all filled with such gratitude for us being out there and not one complained. Talk about possibility and perspective personified. Yes, they were all cold, tired, wet and were dreaming of having these miles done. However, when I told them how great they were doing and how wonderful it was for them to be out there in the bad weather, many responded, “it is just what we do. These runs make us appreciate our normal runs.” Several others responded, “You cannot decide that you don’t have cancer because the weather is bad.” 

Ah, there it is. It is the reminder of why we are all running and preparing for the Boston Marathon. We are running in hopes that some day, there is a cure for cancer! Until then, we will keep on running one step at a time. We may not be able to jump quickly to the top step, but perhaps if we jump one step at a time together, one day we will look back and see that we made a giant leap that at one time seemed impossible. Thank you for all those in my life that continue to inspire me without even knowing. I am ready for tomorrow and I am stronger because of all your support. I will be meeting several of my fellow teammates at 9am. Look out hills of Derry. Here we come!

With Gratitude,

Kerry D

Week 5: We Are What We Do Repeatedly

The Passage of Time

Time moves swiftly disguised in a steady stillness that mostly goes unnoticed, yet in a moment seems to secretly surprise me. I have just finished my 5^th week of the Dana Farber Marathon Challenge 18 week training plan. How has five weeks already passed, I ask myself. Since December 12^th I have logged 133 miles. I have had some good days, some great days, and some not so great days. However, I continue to focus each day on getting in the miles I need whether I feel like it or not. I remind myself why I am running-I am part of a team that dreams a world without cancer and I am doing this to honor a very special boy named Josh. Then quite simply, I put one foot in front of the other and suddenly I have 133 miles behind me and have raised $8,250 dollars to support cancer research. Wow and thank you!

Sometimes when we are in the hectic nature of our daily lives we are just trying to figure out how we are going to get through the day while fitting in everything that we need to. Then suddenly we become aware that time stops for no one. I think it was John Lennon who said, “Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.” While we are planning for and dreaming of a world without cancer, we also must actively and purposely seek it in our day-to-day lives, one step and one dollar at a time.  The idea of the passage of time and engaging in a disciplined routine has been the focus of my thinking this week. However, before I get to the thoughts and ideas that have fueled me on my runs this week, I want to share some exciting news.

Updates

I already shared our great fundraising success, but just because I like to say it, I will type it again. As of today, we have raised $8, 250 to support cancer research. So it is important for me to start with gratitude. All of my running is so much more than being prepared to run the Boston Marathon this April 16, 2012. It is a purposeful act, a sort of prayer in action that someday we will live in a world in which cancer does not dictate the time we have we our loved ones. Time does move swiftly and for those who have battled with cancer or watched their loved ones battle with cancer, they are all too familiar with how swiftly time can move and for them, it does not move unnoticed and it is not something we can get back. Each step I take is inspired by my dear friend Matt and his family and the many other families that have so bravely battled and continue to battle with cancer.

So as I reflect in week 5 on this part of my journey, I am so incredibly filled with gratitude to all my friends, family and coworkers who have so generously joined me in my efforts to do what we can to dream a world without cancer! You too are huge part of my inspiration.  You remind me that anything is possible when people come together to take a stand about what is important. Whether you can give $5, $50, or even $500 it is all part of a collective effort and each bit helps. So today we are $8,250 dollars and 133 miles strong and growing. It is one dollar and one mile at a time and one donation and one message of encouragement that brings us closer! We have many more miles and many more dollars to go, but we are well on our way. Collectively we are a powerful force!

Team Runs

Since I posted last (yes I need to get better at this), I have participated in two team runs. One in Watertown when we ran 14 miles some of which were on the actual marathon course. We tackled some of the hills in Newton. This was an incredibly challenging run for me and that is easier to say now that I am a week beyond it. It started off great and I was running with a teammate with whom I really enjoyed running. However, my asthma was getting the best of me. This combined with the hills and probably talking too much there were times I just could not catch my breath and my pace slowed to a walk several times. I finished the 14 miles, but have vowed to myself to learn the lessons in this run. I have to get better at running smarter especially when hills are involved. I will leave this for another post, but on January 8^th the hills of Newton got the best of me. I managed, but when I meet them again, I will be stronger. Look out hills; I will make you my friends.

I also had another team run yesterday on January 14, 2012. This is the greatest example to me that if we keep showing up and putting one foot in front of another we get to where we need to be. My run yesterday was great. I was armed with a new watch that could calculate my pace and help me run smarter. It was a very cold day and there was a headwind, but all these things just build character right? I ran twelve miles and it was probably the best twelve miles I have run. My overall average was under a 9 minute mile pace which is a very strong pace for me. In fact, there were many times during the run that I looked at my watch and we were going at 8:30 min/mile pace. “Really,” I thought. Then I would just say to myself, “I can do this.” I know this is not that speedy for others, but for me this was huge. I really attribute it to running with new friends who are also committed to such an important effort. I also recognize that some days we feel better than others. Of course it helped that my friends Sandy and Steve (both who have run with DFMC) were volunteering at the run. They brought good energy.

On the way home, I felt great. I am continuing to get to know more DFMC teammates who are wonderful. It is really an amazing team to be a part of and there is nothing better than running on a trail and hearing the collective sound of a group of runners who share both stride and sense of purpose. It has a sort of rhythm that is inspiring all by itself. However, the most important take away for me from this run is to be open to what any day or any run has to offer. I would not have expected that I would run well on a cold day, yet I did. The secret, I did not think too much about it. I thought a lot about why I was running and then just put one foot in front of the other and kept telling myself, “I can do this.” At the end of the run, it was cold and the head wind was stronger. I slowed but did not struggle too much. Ah, lesson learned from the run before-run smarter. Slow and steady is sometimes the solution. When I was done, I did buy some warmer at the Boston Running Company-the store that sponsored our run. I got some great deals but there is nothing like a cold run to turn an inspired runner into an inspired shopper.

We are What we do Repeatedly

I have titled this weeks post “we are what we do repeatedly” and it is probably time I get to the thinking I have done this week and it is deeply connected to this phrase. This is actually only part of a quote of Aristotle who so wisely said, “We are what we do repeatedly, excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.” It always amazes me how some themes are woven through our life and take on a different significance. When I was working on my dissertation which was on high performing urban schools, this was a theme that was integrated into the work at these schools. It is the idea that excellence is something that requires hard work, commitment, and continuous effort. It is showing up day after day even when you do not feel like it. It is not just saying, but it is doing. Parker Palmer would say “let your life speak out loud.”

Excellence is not an event or a one time act or performance. Although I do believe an act or performance can represent excellence, I believe at the core it is living excellence in all of its imperfections. The habit is what we do repeatedly regardless if excellence is what we seek. I agree with Aristotle that which we do repeatedly is who we are. If it is not, we should change what we do. Actions do speak louder than words and while words are important and can move people to act, it is actions that bring about change. If we are defined by what we do repeatedly what is it that we do repeatedly and how are our actions consistent with the person we want to be? How is that for giving us something to think about? Thanks Aristotle,  Parker Palmer and John Lennon.

Why is this significant to me now and during this journey? Well, there is nothing more repetitious than running and especially when during the week a great deal of my running is on a treadmill. This magnifies the repetition because there is not much that changes during the run. Yet I keep going. Maybe the speed or the incline or the person on the machine in front of me may move, but for the most part I am simply running to log the miles. I have tried to re-frame this boredom as part of my training. It is an exercise not only for my body as I run 5-8 miles, but for my mind in enduring what is not always enjoyable and sometimes that which seems barely tolerable. I work hard to use that time and to view that time as a gift. It is a gift to me to have time for me in my day and a gift to others because it is really about training for the marathon as a means to raise money to support cancer research. So I have been thinking deeply about Aristotle’s words “we are what we do repeatedly” and how this has taken on all sorts of significance this week and in my training.

First, I am joined by many in the gym who because of the New Year are trying to create those habits which will help to define their newly envisioned self. I am also very aware of how hard this is. It is not the idea of getting fit or in a more broad sense, how we make the world a better place that is the real challenge, it is making the “idea” a practice that is the greatest challenge and this has provided fodder for my thinking this week. I have been viewing my running and the repetition of running as an act of the person I want to be. Not because I want to run 26.2 miles, but because of what it means to be running with the Dana Farber Marathon Challenge Team and being part of an effort to dream a world without cancer. The theme-purposeful, repetitious steps and habits aimed at having actions match our values-supporting research brings us closer to a world without cancer.

I would also like to share what I believe is a great example that a dear friend of mine posted on Facebook. It was sort of a New Years Challenge. This friend of mine is very involved with supporting both Dana Farber and also Children’s Hospital. In fact, she organizes blood drives all the time in memory of her son, Matty. In many ways, my friendship with this person has inspired me to do more. In fact, I am sure if I thought about it long and hard, she is probably one of the motivating forces in my decision to run with Dana Farber to honor Josh. She is someone who exemplifies “we are what we do repeatedly” because every day she is working to make the world a better place while honoring her son, Matty.

Here is her challenge. Are you up for it? 

  “Rather than a New Year's resolution, how about a New Year's challenge? I challenge you to commit to donating blood every 8 weeks for Children's Hospital  Boston. I have the year's worth of blood drives in place, the first one starting on January 31st at St. Louis School, Lowell, 1-7pm. Who's with me??”

 Here is the link for anyone who may be up for Challenge:  www.halfpints.childrenshospital.org.  

I have asked myself many times this week, “if we are what we do repeatedly” how does what I do repeatedly represent the person I want to be and the world in which I want to live. This is more of a rhetorical question and one I believe that can only be answered with lots of reflection and action. I suppose it is a good thing that I have lots of time to think when I run. So for now I will just leave you with this last thought. I believe that we collectively value a better world and one without cancer. What do we do and what are we willing to do repeatedly to make that a reality?

With gratitude,

Kerry D

Week 3 & 4: Holidays, Friendship and the Power of Personal Stories

I am a bit behind in updating my blog. Since my last post on December 23, I have logged 64 miles and raised an additional $800 towards my fundraising goal of $10,000. I am $2,500 away from that goal which means I am now at approximately $7,500. The passage of time is certainly a sign that I need to really work on incorporating my writing as part of my training because so much seems to happen in the context of any given week.  However, I must admit that during the busy hustle and bustle of the holiday season, it was incredibly challenging to get in all the miles, never mind to find time to sit down and write up my thinking that was evolving on these runs and through my conversations with so many of you who have been so supportive of my efforts. Today, I am back on track and promise to be better at updating this blog. I have included a snap shot of the miles logged since December 12, 2011 when I officially started my training. To date it is a total of 94.5 miles and 64 since I last posted.

Miles I have run since 12/23/11 1 taken from My Daily Mile

Christmas Eve Run

On Christmas Eve I needed to run long and there wasn’t an organized Dana Farber Team run. Well, there was an unofficial run that one of my teammates was organizing, but this was an hour away and I was not sure if there would be anyone running at my pace. I decided not to drive an hour because there was great possibility that I would only end up running alone. I was very fortunate that a good friend was willing to run with me (Thanks, Devo). It was a bit chilly and I was very grateful that Devonna was willing to go out and run 12 miles with me. Especially because she is not training for anything in particular and certainly did not need to run 12 miles in the cold. I was very appreciative of her. I thanked her many times on the run because long solo runs can be very challenging and to have a friend to run with is truly a blessing. We did joke several times because neither of us says too much when we run. For me, there are times that I actually enjoy the solitude, but most often I just like the company of someone else, even if it is a shared solitude.

Here is a picture of Devo and me after we finished our run. It was such a great feeling to be done and to look forward to time with family and friends.

December 24, 2011

The Arlington Street Church, Boston Massachusetts

After the long run and a hot bath, I was ready to enjoy Christmas Eve with family and friends. This is now my third year going into a Christmas Eve Candlelight Service at the Arlington Street Church in Boston. It has become a very special tradition and there is a group of about 10 of us who meet at the Park Plaza Hotel and then head over to the service. For anyone who has attended this service, you probably know what I mean when I say it is simply magical. It is like going to the well. Each year I have attended, I leave feeling grounded, connected and empowered. Kim Crawford, who is the minister, has the ability to deliver an incredibly powerful sermon that embraces the complexities and chaos of the world in which we live with clarity and compassion and through the stories she shares, she reminds us of the power we have in our own lives to make a difference. This year’s sermon was entitled “Glory” and she so powerfully expressed how we can experience both glory and “awe” in our every day lives. I think this is what I love so much about Kim Crawford and her sermons. She is real. She believes that spirituality exists in our everyday lives and through our interactions with others.

This year I have accepted the fact that it is unlikely that I will drive to Boston to attend services. However, I am very pleased to share that her sermons are available online from the Arlington Street Church website so I will be listening to her powerful words more often. On the agenda for the next few weeks will be to listen to “Taking the Road Not Taken.” Of course I was drawn to this because of my love of Robert Frost. I will also be listening to “First Things First” because of my love of Steven Covey and many others who share the “first things first” philosophy. The others I will be listening to are “Wonder,” “Do it now,” “Abundance in Scarcity,” and “Look.”

You might be asking how is all this relevant to running the Boston Marathon and raising money for Dana Farber. Well, quite simply I do not believe that running is only a physical journey and one in which I build mental toughness, to me running is also a spiritual journey and this has been magnified as I have linked my running to such an important effort-finding a cure for cancer.

The Power of Personal Stories

Over the past few weeks and in particular during the holidays, I think what has impacted me the most is the many stories that so many of you have shared about loved ones who have battled with cancer and how this has impacted your families. I am also surprised how many people I know have been treated at Dana Farber and I did not know. One of the most powerful messages I received shortly after the holidays was from someone whom I respect greatly. I had sent this person my fundraising letter and this is the response I received (I have changed it a bit for the privacy of the person).

Hi Kerry,

I just wanted to share a couple of thoughts with you.  I would be honored to donate to your Marathon Challenge.  As you already know, I am a very familiar with and am a huge supporter of the Jimmy Fund and the Dana-Faber Cancer Institute.  When my child was diagnosed, the Jimmy Fund and Dana-Farber were world class cancer institutions, but in spite of having the best care and treatment, there was no cure. 

I would always smile when people would tell me that they would pray for him and my family, because it is not the prayers that help.  The real source of any advancements and cures will come from research and money.  So you are a true hero, putting all you efforts and strength into such a worthy cause.  No child should leave us too soon.  So that being said…………………

Come April, you will strap on your running shoes and take to the road.  May your legs stay strong, your feet glide across the pavement and the wind be at your back.  And mothers and fathers like me will always know the real sources of any research starts with great folks like you. 

Anonymous

Action as Prayer

This is exactly what I mean about running with Dana Farber becoming a spiritual journey for me. I am not someone that goes to church often. In fact, like many I struggle greatly with organized religion. This is not because I lack spiritual strength; in fact I would argue it is my spiritual strength that initiates and perpetuates the struggle. As I read this email, I found myself imagining what would it be like if instead of simply saying that we are praying for someone (which I do often) that we actually purposely did something aimed at helping the challenge someone was facing.

This seemed so consistent with the message of Kim Crawford’s sermon. I found myself thinking that alone I cannot individually find a cure for cancer. I also cannot bring back the many loved ones who have left so many of us to soon. However, I can do my part and what I can. As I read and reread this email, I realized that we all need to do a lot more when we can. I was reminded of Oprah Winfrey’s last show where she told us that we must all know and accept our sphere of influence and to know our own stage and use it. We may not all be talk show hosts with a large audience, but we all have our own stages and spheres of influence. I was also reminded of the visual of the candlelight service when the Arlington Street Church is completely dark. Then with the light of one candle the light is past. Very soon with the light of many candles the church is completely bright. In my thoughts this all seemed to come together. My running was a very physical act of prayer. I was not just praying for something to get better, I was making action (running and fundraising) my prayer. My light (running and fundraising) was not alone. It was accompanied by the efforts of all my Dana Farber Teammates. Collectively, we make one powerful force and this collective force is fueled by our many supporters.

So as I got through week three of training, this email fueled my runs. I actually found myself saying the words in the email over in my head as I ran. Then when it came to my long run on New Year’s Eve morning, I found the email message even more powerful than it had been during the week. My long run this week was going to be 14 miles. The route that I mapped out was actually 15 miles. I was going to be running alone. It was cold and I needed to run in the morning and it was also raining. I got up, had my coffee and breakfast at about 6am. I was going to run at 9am but needed to get hydrated and fueled up. My mom thought I was crazy. It was raining out and my run would have me out there for over 2 hours. While I certainly had the option of going to the gym and logging the miles on the treadmill, this did not seem like an option. I pulled up the email on my cell phone and read it to my mom. It was then that my eyes filled up with tears and I said, “I have to run because I am not just running for me.”

Off I went, in the cold and the rain. If anyone knows me, I really do not deal well with the cold. The route I ran was hilly. I had dressed appropriately, although the damp cold and at times freezing rain really made it difficult. As I approached each hill, I imagined the many people who have shared with me their experiences with cancer and I would say, “This is for Josh, or for my friend Matt (Josh’s uncle) or for ____________ (the many names of your loved ones that you have shared).” As I ran, I felt so aware of the great absence that many of you experience in your daily lives and even more during this holiday season. The hills I faced paled in comparison the the mountain of grief you face each day. With this in mind, I did not have any trouble getting up the hills that day and when I felt doubt creeping in, I would ask myself “how much are you willing to do to find a cure for cancer,”  I would take a deep breath and keep running one stride at a time. 

I do believe in the power of prayer. Not in the sense that prayer makes our challenges disappear, but in the sense that through prayer we can find strength to face what seems impossible. For me prayer is a conversation. It is a relationship. It is something I do when I run and now I also think of it as something I am doing when I am fundraising. It is a purposeful act to do what I can so someday families will not have to have a loved one leave us too soon. Thank you for all your inspiration and for helping me in this effort. We can dream a world without cancer but it does take more than prayer, it takes action. What are you willing to do for a world without cancer?

With gratitude,

Kerry D