Week 8: Staying the Course in the Face of Doubt

Refueling at mile 15. 5 with some gatorade and words of encouragement from Steve. Thanks Steve!



As I finished our 18 mile Dana Farber team run yesterday, I realized that week 8 of my marathon training is behind me. This means as I enter week 9, I am officially at the halfway point in my training. WOW! Since December 12, 2011, I have run 209 miles. Some of these miles have been pure joy while honestly others have been close to unbearable. Sounds like life doesn’t it? As I train, I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I try to embrace and appreciate moments of joy and when confronted with that which seems unbearable, I call on an inner strength that is fueled by our greater purpose-dreaming a world without cancer. When I feel like I cannot go anymore, I ask myself, can you give just a little bit more? My answer is always preceded by a deep breath and followed with a less than confident, yet still a “yes.” Before I move to my thinking this week, I want to bring the focus to our greater sense of purpose and that is fundraising for a world without cancer.

Fundraising Update

As of today we have collectively raised $9,460. This is $735 more than when I posted last weekend. I cannot begin to express my complete gratitude to all who have supported this effort. Our collective donations are growing into a powerful statement in support of cancer research. It is such a reminder of the power and possibility that exists when people come together to share the responsibility of not only dreaming a better world but making one.  As someone who has never been involved in fundraising  at this level before, I cannot begin to tell you the support role you play in helping me to “stay the course in the face of doubt” in my training. After running 209 miles over the last 8 weeks, I have to admit I get tired. There are days that I don’t feel like running. However, it seems that without fail when I experience these moments, I get an email notification that someone has made a donation to Dana Farber and my marathon challenge. It is the strongest reminder of the importance of what we are doing. It is like a shot of b-12 and I am ready to lace up my sneakers.

I will share with all of you that we are so close to my initial goal of $10,000; however those of you that know me, also know that I am someone that likes to push the capacity in all that I do. I am cautiously confident that we will hit the $10K and while I am so excited about that, what is brewing in my mind is that the next fundraising milestone is $13.1K which represents a half-marathon. I find myself doing the same thing I do when I run and feel like I am close to hitting a goal, I ask myself, “can you do a little more?’ I take a deep breath, and respond with a less than confident, but still a “yes.” As the expression goes, “nothing ventured, nothing gained.” So over the next months I will continue to reach out to see if I can get more people to support our efforts an push the capacity of our goal. If you have not yet made a donation, I would ask that you consider doing so over the next few months. Remember, donations of any amount help fuel the cause and bring us one step closer to a world without cancer. I also ask anyone that is reading this to ask anyone you may know that would be willing to support such an important effort. Please know how much I appreciate all your support. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Staying the Course in the Face of Doubt

The last two weeks of training have been extremely challenging for me. I work at a university and the start of school is always incredibly hectic. It is so wonderful to have students come back from break and to have the campus feel so alive. However, this increased intensity at work made it incredibly difficult to get in all the miles without feeling absolutely exhausted. Like most training weeks, I did not think of more than one day at a time. Life is so much more manageable this way. Although I must admit there were days that I was not sure Sunday (my rest day) would ever come. So as I sit and reflect this week the concept of ‘staying the course in the face of doubt” seems fitting.

For me, ‘staying the course in the face of doubt” is sticking to something even if you feel as if there is no end in sight. It is having the ability to believe in the presence of doubt. It is being confronted with your most tired, weary and surrendering self and calling upon an inner strength that resists and defies your body’s physical responses by simply putting one foot in front of the other and going just a little bit further than you think you can. It is recognizing that raising thousands of dollars and training for a marathon is supposed to be hard. The pains of today are experienced in progress tomorrow.  At least that is what I kept telling myself as I ran the hills in Waltham, Massachusetts yesterday. When my ugly self would raise her head, and she certainly did on yesterday’s run, I would ask myself, ‘can you endure just a little more for a world without cancer?” My answer is always preceded by a deep breath and followed with a less than confident, yet still a “yes.”

Most people that run have experienced their ugly self and I am sure many of you who don’t run may have experienced this too. I like to call this ugly self, Doubt. For me it is entering a space when I feel as if I have hit a wall. I am physically tired and my mind and body enter a great debate as to whether I can get over or around this wall. My muscles scream at my mind saying “hello, we are tired. We just rain 16 miles of hills. It is time to rest.” Doubt questions, “can I really do this?” My mind works relentlessly to control the physical responses with all of the tricks I have learned. I focus on small steps and forget the rest. I tell myself I am going to run one song at a time. I focus on the things for which I am grateful. I tell myself that I run for a greater purpose and there is an end even if it seems out of reach. I repeat slogans such as ‘just don’t stop,” “I am stronger than I think I am, “My reserve tank is still not empty,” and “I manufacture my own energy.” All of these things work for a while. However, there is this space where the ugly self emerges and joins forces with my tired body. Doubt is incredibly powerful especially when accompanied by tired legs and a mind that has been weakened by debate.

It is here that this journey and “staying the course in the face of doubt” becomes so much greater than the mind and body for me. While many talk about the mental toughness required for endurance sports such as marathons, I also believe that this mental toughness it is deeply spiritual. For me it is entering a space that recognizes while I feel like there is no end in sight, I still believe there is and end in sight. It is a sort of surrender but not to doubt or to tired muscles, it is to surrender to faith that I am strong even if I don’t feel like it and I will finish. This is also deepened by the greater sense of purpose in what we are doing as members of the Dana Farber Marathon Challenge Team. The volunteers on our team runs also reinforce this with their incredible support, words of wisdom and simple reminders when we need it of why we are running. We could not do it without them and we could not do it without our friends, family and supporters. We are not simply training for a marathon (which is not a simple task); we are training to make the world a better place- a world without cancer. So when I ask myself, “can you do a little more?’ I take a deep breath, and respond with a less than confident, but still a “yes.” Week 9, bring it on!

With Gratitude,

Kerry D