Week 12: Following my Own Rhythm and Changing my Inner Dialogue

I cannot believe that we are officially in March and that we are only 6 weeks away from the Boston Marathon. I am once again reminded of the interesting paradox within the passage of time. As I sit to write this post, I cannot believe that we are only 6 weeks away. In that aspect it feels like it has passed quickly. However, there are moments in the midst of a training week or in a run when I feel like all I have been doing is running and would give anything if the marathon would just arrive. I always try to remind myself to enjoy the journey, because before I know it, time will have passed and I will have arrived.

Fundraising Update

I always like to start off my posts with an update on the fundraising front because while the logging of miles has certainly given me a lot to think about and with, the actual fundraising is the purpose behind the running madness. As of today I have $12, 261 posted to my account and I sent of another $165 dollars that will be posted early this week. I am choosing to include this because I did actually receive the donations within the context of this week. This brings us to a grand total of $12,426. This means that we are only $674 away from the ultimate stretch fundraising goal of hitting $13,100.  

This would not be happening if I didn’t know so many incredibly generous people. I have to say that I cannot believe we are this close. I also am filled with such gratitude for so many family, friends, and co-workers generosity. The consistent theme that is woven through many of the conversations I have with people is how so many of us have been touched so closely by cancer. Some are survivors. Some are newly diagnosed. Some have loved ones battling this horrible disease. Some have lost loved ones to this horrible disease. The thread that binds us all together is not only the shared experience with such a horrible disease, but the collective response that is fighting back by supporting Dana Farber in reaching the ultimate goal- a world without cancer. So thank you!

I started this journey running in memory of Joshua, my dear friend Matt’s nephew and there is not a single run that I go on that I do not think of Joshua and his family, especially my friend Matt. No matter how tired I am, I cannot begin to imagine the enormity of the loss that he experienced when Joshua took his last breath and the loss that he continues to feel in his absence. I am so honored to be running and raising funds in his memory. As my journey has continued, I realize that in addition to running for Josh, I really run for all of those who have dealt with or are dealing with cancer and all my supporters remind me just how many people this is. So again thank you for your support and the stories you share. One step at a time, one mile at a time, and one dollar at a time we will get there!

Following my Own Rhythm

 This week was a much better week than last. I was feeling much better. I was still dealing with a little fatigue and pressure in my sinuses but after last week I will take it. I managed to log 20 miles during the week and I finished up with Stu’s 30K (18.6 miles)- a very hilly race in Clinton, MA. Going into this race, I knew it would probably be one of my toughest training runs before the marathon because the course was mostly hills. This was somewhat of a challenge to mentally prepare for, especially after having a tough training week last week. I realized that for someone who signs up for a lot of challenging races, I am not always that confident in the silent space of my own thinking. However, I have become an expert at suspending doubt.

I was very excited to be running again with my friend Annie. I was also meeting two of my Dana Farber teammates there (Linn and Heather and one of Heather's friends Meridith). It is the whole “misery loves company” feeling. At least if you are about to engage in something difficult, challenging and most likely painful, it is better to do with friends. Below is a picture we had another runner take with Heather's phone. Thanks for sending it along, Heather!

We all started together which was nice. However, as we entered the first mile or so Annie and Linn were ahead of me. They were probably running about 30 seconds faster than I knew I should be running. I know that does not sound like a lot if you do not run, but over the course of 18.6 miles, it makes a huge difference. I have been thinking a lot about the challenge I face when I run with faster runners. Their slow, might be pushing pace for me. So while it is comfortable for them, I may be feeling miserable and they may be feeling like they are holding back. So as Annie and Linn moved ahead in the pack, I stayed at the pace that I felt was where I needed to be.

I had figured that in the spirit of using this as a training run, I wanted to be at about 9:45 minute mile. This is slow for me, but I also have learned that it is finding the rhythm that works for you and one that you can run comfortably at for 3 plus hours. If I can maintain this for the marathon I will be very happy so that is where I set my pace for today. After all this was a very hilly course. In Boston, I will not hit the hills until mile 16 or so and while they are challenging there are 4 of them and then I will be done with hills. It will not be filled with anticipating the next hill followed by another and another and yes, a hill for the last mile of the race like today at Stu’s 30k.

As I drove home from the race and was talking with my mother about what a difference it is when I run at my own pace whatever that may be on any given day. We talked about the larger metaphor that exists here. We need to follow the beat of our own drum. This is not to say that it is not wonderful to share a run with a friend or teammate. There is just something magical that happens when we are able to get lost in our own rhythm. I guess in some ways it is learning to recognize when we are at our own best. I have to admit that I can be competitive and this sometimes prevents me from being at my own personal best. It is not so much about feeling like I can beat someone else, but rather that I should be able to keep pace. Some days a running partner can help to bring out the best in me. Some days it brings out the worst because I push harder than I should and then I am out of gas too early. However, today, I simply wanted to run. I wanted to face the hills as best as I could. I wanted to finish. I wanted to feel strong. Allowing myself to find and stay in my own rhythm proved to be the path to meet my goals for today.

Changing my Inner Dialogue

The second part of my “take aways” for the week is that I have the power to change my inner dialogue. You may be wondering what I mean by this. Yes, I talk to myself all the time. In fact, most people do. It is how we experience the world and interpret the way we view that experience. Coming off a rough week with being sick, I found that today’s run really gave me the opportunity to experience the power of changing my inner dialogue.

It all started as we awaited the race in the middle school gym. Many runners exchanged stories about how challenging this course would be. Others talked about how nervous they were and shared that they “feared” this course. I found myself getting sucked right in and thinking and saying to myself “Oh my god, this is going to be hard!” “Can I really do this?” “I struggled with 13.1 miles last week and that was a relatively flat course.”  “Hills are hard for me because of my asthma and the hardware in my ankle. Maybe I am crazy.” As you read this you can probably feel the building anxiety that is fueled once again by Doubt. I really wish doubt would stay at home J.

It was in the midst of all of this that I remembered the words that my mom always drilled into our heads, “Be the dominant creative force in your own life.” In fact, this quote was displayed inside the cabinets in our house. So what did I do? I told myself that I was the dominant force in my own race today. I reminded myself of a quote I read before I went to bed. It read “It is not your opponents that you need to worry about beating, it is the voice in your head that tells you that you can’t.” I love when things come together for me in my thinking. “Ok, I thought I can do this.” I was going to practice re-framing all my inner dialogue and look at it from a strengths based approach. This is something I have posted about before. It is looking at things differently.

However, today I decided I was going to use this challenging run as an exercise in changing my inner dialogue. For example, when I was thinking the thoughts listed previously I changed them. Here is what they look like from a strengths based frame. “Oh my god, this is going to be hard but think of how ready I will be for Boston. This is a great training run to get me prepared. I have run tough training runs and I can do this.” “I struggled with 13.1 miles last week and that was a relatively flat course. However, last week I was sick. It showed my strength by my willingness to finish strong in spite of being sick. This week I feel good. I am ready and I am strong.”  “Hills are hard for me because of my asthma and the hardware in my ankle. Maybe I am crazy.” “Yes, Kerry you are crazy but the good kind of crazy. You have asthma but you run smart. Hills are hard but when you run the smart you are in charge. Yes, you have 8 screws a pin and a plate in your ankle. You will not sprain your ankle that is for sure. Also, be grateful that you are running. There are many people who cannot run and hello, there are people who do not have legs and run. You are strong.

See, it is amazing how you can move from being your own road block to your own biggest cheerleader. I will admit that this is easier in the beginning and gets tougher as the miles pile up. There were times that this was a challenge but interestedly enough even when I felt tired and when doubt tried to join the conversation, using and re-framing my inner dialogue was a great distraction. This was a good thing because I ran solo today. I will also share that running for Dana Farber with the ultimate goal of raising funds to support cancer research is a great check for perspective. When I hit that ugly space when I hurt and I ask myself “why is it that I am running anyway?” I always have an answer. I am running because I believe someday we will live in a world without cancer, and once step, one mile, and one dollar at a time I am moving towards that space. That does not need any re-framing.

With gratitude,

Kerry D