Happy Winter Solstice! And so we begin the gradual reversal from longer periods of darkness to longer periods of light. While it seems like a long way off, I feel the energy that comes with the promise of just a little more light every day. I will return to this idea in a bit. As I type this post, I am sitting in front of our Christmas tree listening to a random Christmas playlist. It is only 7pm but it has been dark for almost two plus hours. Thanks to my iPod, I am enjoying Andre Bocelli, John Denver, Peter Paul and Mary, pieces from the Nutcracker, and a many other artists and musical pieces. It is with gratitude and amazement that I think how technology changes the way we experience living. Thank you, Steve Jobs.
While week 2 of training is not yet finished, I am sharing some of my reflections today, because like most, I have a busy weekend ahead with holiday celebrations. I am a firm believer in keeping with routines. I did not want to miss my posting for week-two because I have started to consider this part of my training routine. It is documenting my journey and my thinking along the way and I have certainly been thinking a lot this week. Running seems to gives me ample time for my chaotic thoughts to come together-at least I feel like they come together with a sort of clarity. In fact, I am finding it quite interesting as I attempt to put these thoughts into words and how these words emerge into a sort of random post.
Beginning with Gratitude
In keeping with a “first things first” approach, let me begin with a big THANK YOU to all who have so generously contributed to my fundraising efforts. My goal is to raise $10,000 by the time I cross the finish line in Boston on April 16, 2012. My short term goal was to reach $6,200 by Christmas (marking a 10K). I am pleased to share that as of today I have raised almost $7,000 for Dana Farber to support Cancer Research. I have many generous family members, friends and co-workers to thank for this. So THANK YOU! Together, we are making a difference. I am reminded at the power of one dollar and one mile at a time. We can get there one step at a time!
Sometimes it is going to be Hard
Ok, now on to other random thoughts for the week. I have almost finished week 2 of my official 18 week training and countdown to the Boston Marathon 2012 and to be honest it has been a bit of a rough start. I have 16 miles logged so far this week, a spin class and one weight training workout. What remains is a 12 mile run on Christmas Eve morning and then I will be settling in for the day to simply enjoy the magic of the holidays with the company of family and friends. Why has this week been rough you might ask? Well, I am not sure I fully recovered from last week’s double ear infection. For those that know me, I am not one to complain. In fact, I often just suck it up. Some may even say I am overly optimistic. However, so far this week I really felt each and every mile I logged was a challenge and not in the inviting challenging kind of way, but in the “I am counting the minutes and sometimes seconds until I am finished” kind of challenge. So this week I did not have any of the “runner’s high” feelings. Perhaps my endorphins were on vacation.
Like many of my teammates, I kept at it this week because I am running for a greater purpose and that is what helped me through. I found myself thinking of my dear friend Matt and all he and his family endured while his little nephew Josh was sick. It was never easy for them and yet, so courageously they faced each and every day. Even when they did not know if they had the strength to do so, they managed to find it. This week I found strength and inspiration in their courage and commitment to Josh and to each other. I was reminded that some things are simply hard. I am not trying to compare running when tired or not feeling well to dealing with cancer, but rather trying to highlight the lessons I have learned from those I love who have endured cancer and the lessons, strength and inspiration that I have learned from their courage. This week for me it was pushing through even when it is hard to do so. I reminded myself that we don’t train to run under perfect conditions and when we feel 100%. We train to run under whatever conditions exist and this means some days we run when we are not at our best or when we don’t know if we can. It is really reflective of life. How many days are we really at 100%?
Just One Minute
So let me get back to thinking about winter solstice and our journey from darkness to light with one extra minute of light each day. Only a minute of light each day one might ask “how much is that really?” Well, running this week when I did not want to run and also pushing through when I felt I did not have much in me helped me recognized and appreciate the gift of a minute. As I ran this week I was looking at the time constantly and for anyone that does this when running while tired you know a minute can feel like an eternity. In fact, I would suggest that anyone that does not think a minute is a long time, spend some time on a treadmill. Sprint for minute intervals and I am sure you will have a new appreciation for how much time really exists within the context of just one minute. I know I do.
I don’t mean to scare you. I can run for a lot of minutes on most days. This week I simply felt overly aware of how much space and time existed in every minute due to my own exhaustion. This changed my thinking about Winter Solstice and the power of each minute we will be getting of daylight each day. It was not just a minute. It was like seeing and experiencing in slow motion our journey to light. This small measurement of time had taken new meaning for me. This was pretty exciting and I welcomed it with a new appreciation of an extra minute each day. We have turned the corner and while our journey remains long, the promise of lighter days is in the distant future. So as I try to kick it in and push to breathless as I finish a run, I am now thinking it is that amount of daylight we will be gaining each day and for that I am grateful.
Seeking Light
From thinking about Winter Solstice and the dark days we are now experiencing, it is also not surprising to me that this is also a time of year where we celebrate light and this is something that we see across religions and cultures. The common thread: seeking and celebrating light in spite of darkness. There is power in paradox for sure and this is something that I have thought about on my runs this week. It began with the recognizing that sometimes the running is simply hard. Then I made my way to the gift of “one minute” and then finally my thinking really moved to thinking about what it means to seek light especially in the absence of it. In my thinking “light” was about daylight but really became a metaphor for hope. I thought a lot about my dear friend Matt and his family’s struggle with cancer and ultimately the loss of a beautiful little boy named Josh. I also thought about the many people and families that have been impacted by cancer that I have come to know, especially these last months throughout my fundraising efforts. I am overwhelmed with the enormity of the collective wreckage that cancer has left in the lives of so many. Cancer makes me angry. Yet, Dana Farber makes me hopeful. Cancer is darkness. Dana Farber’s envisioning and working towards a world without cancer-now that is not only a light, it is a purposeful act in seeking light.
This week as I ran and thought about this journey from darkness to light, I also thought about how until there is a cure for cancer many have to live in the metaphorical and often very real darkness and only hold onto the promise of light-a possible cure. How do they do it I wondered? How do you endure what at times seems impossible? How do you believe when you do not have answers? How do you envision light in its absence? These are rhetorical questions I asked myself all week as I pushed through runs in which I really did not want to be running. At times, I was not sure that I had the energy required to complete the 5 or 6 miles I need to log each day. I would look at the clock and see I probably had 40 more minutes to go. My friend Doubt would arrive and try to convince me I can just stop. “I can run another day”, I would think to myself. Then I would see my own reflection in the glass across the gym. I would tell myself, “I am stronger than Doubt” and I would keep going.
Just Don’t Stop
I am not sure I will ever truly understand how families find the courage when faced with cancer. However, I will continue to draw strength and inspiration from their stories of endurance and courage. I will also continue to work hard to honor their strength and courage one mile run at a time and one dollar raised at a time. This week I responded to my dear friend Doubt and Tired by simply listening to the only answer I could find when I felt exhausted. It was an answer that was inspired by those for whom I run and who exemplify strength; it said “just run for another minute or another song.” When that minute or song passed I did it again. Or as Phil Riley would say, “just don’t stop.” I would repeat this mantra. I did not focus on the 40 or so more minutes I needed to run. I did it minute by minute and song by song. I did get through the miles so far this week. While I was glad to show Doubt and Tired I could do more than she thought, I was now ready to hang out with my friend Tired.
Be a Light
While this week I found strength, courage and inspiration from those who have dealt first hands with the crimes of cancer, I cannot even begin to understand the enormity of their pain, their challenges, their grief, their daily struggle, their desire for one more eternal minute with a loved one, and their desire for light in a time of darkness. It is in the depth of my not understanding where these families gain their inner strength that I am reminded of the importance of the work and the training I am doing. I am not just running to finish the Boston Marathon in 2012; I am training to raise $10,000 or more to support an effort that strives to bring light to many families. Imagine a world without cancer. That is some amazing light. How can we not all want to work relentlessly for that? For today, I will simply end with “this little light of mine; I am going to let it shine.”
Wishing everyone a light filled holiday, whatever it is that you celebrate!
With Gratitude,
Kerry D
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